


This Hidden Love

by itsjustmehere3



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Brother Feels, Brother/Brother Incest, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Christmas Tree, Incest, Juuust read it pleaseee, M/M, Rape, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 06:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1735358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsjustmehere3/pseuds/itsjustmehere3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall and Liam are brothers, Niall is thirteen and Liam is nineteen. Over the space of the holidays they fall in love. I'm shit at this you guys, just read it, I hope it's good. This is my first time posting a fic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Hidden Love

        This Hidden Love  
      (Niam)(Larry)(Ziall)                          

              Niall

"Liam! We're going out to dinner." My mum called from downstairs. "We'll be back in about three hours." The door opened and closed and I heard the car start. I knew Liam would come in soon to ask me what type of pizza I wanted, so I unlocked the door and picked up a bit. I never liked it when Liam saw my messy room, he'd be disappointed. Not that everything I do doesn't disappoint him already. But still. When he didn't come in for awhile I figured he was in the shower or something, so I got out my notebook. I only write in it when no ones around. I don't want anyone to see how messed up I am. 

 

11/13/13 Monday age 13  
Mum and Rob are out to dinner again and me and Liam are at home. I don't mind it being just Liam and I. But I don't think he likes it, probably he thinks that I'm really annoying. I wouldn't blame him, I think I'm annoying. Probably he just puts on an act that he cares just so mum will trust us to stay home alone. I don't mean anything to him. I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't know why I'm here, why I'm alive. 

I put my notebook away when I heard steps down the hallway. Liam's head peeked around the door as it opened. "Hey bud." He said. I smiled up at him to let him know I heard him. "Pizza?" He asked. I shook my head, the same answer every time. I didn't want to eat. Not ever. I was to fat. "You've gotta eat something, Nialler." Liam whispered, sitting down next to me. I shook my head again, he couldn't make me budge. "You're wasting away, there's hardly anything of you left." He said, feeling my sides. There was nothing but fat on them, so I didn't figure how I could be wasting away. "I wish you would talk to me, Ni." Liam whispered. "I miss hearing your voice. I miss hearing your laugh." He hugged me closely and I almost let myself believe that he actually might care about me. He looked at me, his eyes filled with sadness. And I wanted so desperately to wipe it away, wanted nothing more. I patted his shoulder and smiled at him. "Will you at least write to me?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders in a we'll see. He nodded sadly and got up to leave. "Please come downstairs with me." He looked back at me. I nodded and let him grab my hand and lead me down the steps. My hand felt like fire where he was touching it, and when he let go an ache took it's place. I needed Liam. Needed him so bad. Tears rose in my eyes and I bit my lip to keep them from spilling over. Liam didn't need me. Not in the slightest. "Ni, what's wrong?" He took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. I shook my head and sighed. Everything, I wanted to say everything. But I couldn't talk, not after five years of not talking. "Ni, please." He looked at me as tears started pouring out of his eyes. I closed my eyes because the scene in front of me was unbearable. I couldn't look into his precious eyes and see his tears. I didn't know what to do, so I turned around and ran. I ran to my room and locked the door. I backed up against it, slid down to the floor and sobbed.  
I made Liam cry.  
Feelings of pure hatred for myself ran through my body. I was despicable. My mind wouldn't concentrate on anything accept my razor blade. I needed my razor blade. I needed it bad. I got up and ran clumsily to my bedside table and threw the top drawer open. Inside rested all my razors. I had dozens. I picked up the sharpest one and forced it against my skin. I got my notebook out and my pen.

 

11/13/13 Monday age 13   
I need this pain. I deserve this pain. How horrible would someone have to be to make Liam cry? I must be truly awful. And really I am. I'm really truly horrible. I don't deserve to be alive, don't WANT to be alive. Everything hurts, ever since we lost our dad. I haven't talked since the day we found out, mostly because I know it's completely my fault. And I'm not the only one who knows it. My mum hates me, she hardly even says my name because she hates me so much. She looks at me with this look in her eye whenever she beats me, and I know she thinks it should have been me. And I know that Liam.. He thinks that too. It should have been me that died in the car accident. I should have died. My dad should still be here. I deprived Liam of his dad and my mum of her husband. 

I drew the blade across my wrist again. I deserved this, I thought while I stifled a scream. I had cut to deep again. I went into the bathroom that connects to my room and opened up the cabinet. I got out the blood cloture and poured some on all my cuts. It stung really bad, but no one could find out about this, especially not Liam. He'd turn his back on me completely if he knew what I did to myself. I looked into the mirror and saw the tears on my ugly pale cheeks and I knew. I knew that no one could ever love me. I was unlovable and worthless. "Niall?" I heard Liam call through the door of my bedroom. "Can I come in." I ran out of the bathroom, not sure what to do. I ripped out a piece of paper and wrote NO on it. I slid it under the door and sighed. If he came in now... I shook my head and went to bandage my arm. After I finished that, I put on a long sleeve and sat down at my desk. I pulled out another piece of paper and began writing a letter to Liam. 

Dear Li,  
I'm sorry I made you cry earlier. I didn't mean to. Do you hate me now? Please don't hate me. I'm sorry that I'm not eating. I'm just not hungry. But I promise if I ever am, then I'll eat. I'm sorry that I keep disappointing you with everything I do. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry that mum makes you stay home with me every night. You should go out with your friends. Just forget about me, okay? I'm not important, you should concentrate on yourself.   
                  Your brother,  
                       Niall

I finished writing the letter and slipped it into an envelope. Before I could get scared I ran over to Liam's door, knocked on it and put the letter in front of the door. I ran back to my room and waited to hear Liam's door open. Once I did, I relaxed and went to sit on my bed. It was the first time in five years that I'd "talked" to him. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. I felt the tears stain my cheeks again, and wondered how it was possible for someone to be as worthless as me. I was so busy staring into space that I didn't even realize that Liam had come into the room. "Ni.." His voice cracked as he looked at me. "Niall James Horayne, I could never hate you." He grabbed my shoulders tightly. "Do you hear me? I can't just forget about you. You're my little brother, I need you. You are NOT a disappointment, and you have nothing to be sorry about. You haven't done anything wrong." He pulled me into a hug up against him and I almost started crying. I would have to, if it weren't for that sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that none of this was real. He didn't need me. No one does. I went stiff as he put his arms around me, I couldn't let him in anymore. I just couldn't. "Nialler, please... Please don't block me out again." Liam looked at me with pleading eyes. And I got the strangest sense that he knew I was going to try it again. He knew I would take those pills tonight. It wouldn't be the first time, or the second, or even the third. No, it would be the fifth. The fifth time I've tried to escape and they brought me back. The fifth time I was torn away from what I want more than anything. After awhile wouldn't they get the picture that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE? Wouldn't they just give up on me? Maybe tonight they would. Maybe I would escape tonight. Escape my mum and her disgust for me, escape Liam and his sad eyes. Everything would be gone and nothing would be everything. I dug my nails into the palm of my hands and tried to concentrate. But everything was blurry. My breathing got shallower with each breath and I knew I was going to have another stupid panic attack. 

 

I woke up an hour later and found myself tucked into my bed, Liam beside me. "Ni? How do you feel?" He pressed his hand against my cheek. I shrugged my shoulders and reached for an empty notebook. 

I'm fine. I was being serious earlier when I said you should go out with friends. Don't let me hold you back from having a good time. You're 19 you should be out enjoying life while you're young, not taking care of your stupid 13 year old brother. I'll be fine at home alone for awhile. 

I handed him the notebook and he read it. "Ni, I'm not leaving you alone. Why can't you see that I WANT to be here. You're not holding me back from anything. I like hanging out with you." He said, hugging me. I just couldn't rap my brain around that. How could he WANT to spend time with me? Why would he? I took the the notebook back and wrote-

I don't understand. 

He read it and asked me what I didn't understand. 

I don't understand why you would willingly want to spend time with me. 

He read it and sighed. "Because Ni, you're my little brother. I love you." He kissed the top of my head and hugged me. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the hug, let myself enjoy the moment of happiness. But it was short lived, because the moment he let go my heart went cold. "Can you believe that, Ni?" He tipped my chin up. I sat there for a minute until I shook my head slightly. I grabbed my notebook again. 

I'm sorry that I can't believe you. Why would you love someone like me? You don't need to lie to me, I know that you hate me because I killed dad. I know both of you hate me. I've learned to live with that. 

I debated giving it to him, but I ended up scribbling it out. Instead I just flipped the page and wrote forget it. I handed it to him and he sighed. "Is there anything I can do that will make you believe me?" He asked. I took a minute to think about it, then shook my head. I could never let myself believe that he loved me. It was something that could build me up and destroy me way to fast. And plus if I let myself believe that he loved me like a brother I might end up convincing myself he loved me as more than that. Loved me as something that he needed, that he wanted. "Ni, what's going on in that mind of yours? Do you think that I'm lying about this? Do you think that I don't love you, because I do." He started crying again. "What have I done that makes me so untrustworthy?! What have I don't that makes me such a bad brother that you think I hate you?!" He put his face in his hands and cried. I wanted to stab myself. For the second time that day I had made him cry. "I'm so sorry, Li." I whispered, my voice wouldn't let me do much more than that. His head jerked up, his eyes full of confusion. Before he could say anything I jumped up and locked myself in the bathroom. That was goodbye. I got out a whole bottle of strong pills and set six out on the counter. I filled a cup with water and took them one by one. I sank down to the floor and buried my head in my hands while I ignored Liam's poundings on the door. "Let me in." He sobbed. I shook my head even though I knew he couldn't see me. "I'm calling 911." He shouted. I started crying heavier then. All I want to do is die, is that to much to ask? My eyes started closing drowsily, and the last thing I heard before I passed out was sirens. 

 

              Liam  
I sat in the waiting room two hours later while they were trying to revive him. If they can't this time... I won't be able to live anymore. Nothing would be worth living for. Niall would be gone. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears. I can't live without him. He's the only reason that I got through dad dying. He's the only reason that I keep on going. He's my life line. He can't be gone. I won't let him. 

"Liam Horayne?" I jerked my head up when I heard my name. "Yes?" I asked. "You're brother... He's not doing to well." The sob caught in my throat. "He's in a coma, we think from the pills and a loss of blood both." The nurse said. "L-loss of blood?" I was confused. "Yes, I'm afraid your brother has a bit of a self harm problem. I'm surprised you have not seen the scars." She said. "H-he always wears long sleeves, a-and he doesn't talk... Dammit I should have figured it out." I wanted to punch something, anything. "And it seems he's been suffering from abuse for years. Do you know anything about this?" The nurse asked. I shook my head, unable to speak from the sobs. "Would you like to see him?" The plump lady asked. "Yes please." I hastily scrambled out of my seat. She led me down a hallway and up a flight of stairs. "This is the room." She opened the door and ushered me in, shutting the door behind me. "N-Niall?" I sat down beside the hospital bed and looked at him. His arms were bare because of the hospital gown, so I could see his arms. I shivered as I looked at the cuts  and scars. He did this to himself. He hurt himself, and I didn't even notice. What kind of brother am I? Probably Ni hates me. Probably he killed himself to finally get away from me. Probably I'm a really bad brother. 

I laid my hand on his cheek and caressed it. So pale, so inviting, how could someones skin be so fragile and perfect? "I love you, Ni." I whispered, because who was around to hear me? And even if someone where, I could merely put it off as him being my brother. But what I felt for him went so far beyond brother feelings. I loved him in a way that I shouldn't. I loved him with a love so deep that it hurts. "Please come back to me, Ni. I promise I'll be a better brother. I'll take care of you more, I'll watch over you more. I'll protect you from all the bad things in life. Just please, please come back to me. I-I can't live without you, Nialler." I laid my head on his shoulder and sobbed. "Mr. Payne, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Visiting hours are over." A ruff looking old man came in. "B-but he's my brother." I said. "I'm sorry but rules are rules. Out." He held the door open for me as I said goodbye to Niall. I slowly walked home, wishing every step of the way that Niall was here holding my hand. "Ni, I need you." I whispered into the chilly London air. I walked up the steps to our house and opened the door, mum should be home soon. Right now I want to know what Niall was going to say earlier when he was writing to me. He wrote something long, but scribbled it out. What was it? I walked to his room and slowly opened the door, the scent of him hit me hard and instantly made tears come to my eyes. I missed him. I slowly walked over to the bed and found the notebook he had been using laying on it. I picked it up and quickly found the page that he had scribbled out. 

I'm sorry that I can't believe you. Why would you love someone like me? You don't need to lie to me, I know that you hate me because I killed dad. I know both of you hate me. I've learned to live with that.

I couldn't believe it. He honestly believed that I think he killed dad and that I hate him. I have never ever thought that, and if he only knew how much I don't hate him... How much I love him. I saw another notebook peaking from underneath his bed. I grabbed it and pulled it out. I flipped to the first page and started reading. 

3/20/11 Sunday age 11  
Liam gave me a hug today and told me he loved me, it was all I could do to keep from laughing. He thinks he has to keep this whole charade up. Sometimes he can be sort of dense. He thinks I believe him, but I don't. I know the truth. He hates me because I killed our dad. 

I sat the notebook on my lap in shock. He seriously believes that I hate him. He believes that. 

3/26/11 Saturday age 11  
I cut myself for the first time today. It was kind of scary, but it helped a lot with everything I'm feeling. I didn't do it on my arm, I did it on my thighs. Liam would see if they were on my arms, and then he would think I'm even more of a freak. I guess I am though, after all I killed my dad. 

I wanted to punch something. How could he say something like that about himself? 

3/28/11 Monday age 11  
I'm going to do it today. I already have a whole bottle of pills. I don't know if I should write a note or not. Would they even care? Probably they'd be happy that I'm gone. I don't think I'm going to write one... They wouldn't even read it. They'd just throw it away. Anyway, what would I say? It's not like I'd go on and on about how sorry I am that I'm leaving them or anything. No, I'm just going to do it, I'll take six pills tonight and then go to bed and never wake up. It'll be okay. 

I wiped tears away as I remembered that day. I had heard him crying and had went in there, I had found him with a bottle of pills in his hand. I remember starting to cry, heavy sobs as I rocked him back and forth waiting for the ambulance to get there. I sniffled and kept reading. 

4/6/11 Tuesday Age 11  
I just got home from the hospital. Liam found me in the middle of the night.. I wish he wouldn't have. I should be dead. I should have died three years ago. It should have been me, not daddy. Daddy should still be here... Mum hates me. She hit me today. She slapped me over and over again. And then I fell down and she kicked me. She kept screaming that it was my fault, that I deserved this. And she's right... I don't even know why I'm alive. I deserve to be dead.  

Mum abuses him..? I-I never would have thought... How could she?! How could she say those things to him?! Ni is so precious and naive, how could she hit him and tell him it was his fault that dad died?! I was fuming and could hardly make out the words in front of me. I kept taking deep breaths until I could see again. 

4/8/11 Friday age 11  
I caught Liam crying today and I asked him what was wrong and he yelled this- "I MISS MY FUCKING DAD, NI! ALRIGHT? JUST GET AWAY!" And now I'm crying and cutting some more because Liam misses dad so much and it's my fault. Why am I alive? Why did I have to live, why couldn't dad have lived? It was a waste because I'm going to die soon. I'm going to kill myself and this time I will succeed. Liam just knocked on my door and asked to come in, I just locked it so he would know that he can't. I don't want to see his red-rimmed, sad eyes. I don't want to see him hate me. Honestly he's the only thing that keeps me going. The only reason I'm alive. If I didn't have Li, I'd be dead. He's my reason to live.

I choked back tears and smiled. I was his reason to live. I was the reason he didn't just shoot himself and get it over with. I put the notebook back where it belonged, deciding I'd read it later, mum was home and I had some words for her. 

"I'm home!" My mum called while I was walking down the stairs. "I noticed." I said shortly, coming into the kitchen. "Where's your brother?" She said. "At the hospital. He tried to kill himself again. He's even in a coma if you're interested. But you don't really care about that, do you? How could you when you've been abusing him?" I was shaking with anger. "Liam-"  
"Don't Liam me. There is no way that I'm even going to come close to calming down right now." I screamed at her. "What you've done to Niall makes me ashamed to call you my mum. It's disgusting for you to treat your own child like that. He's never done anything to you, never. HE DIDN'T KILL DAD. How could it be an eight year olds fault that dad died?" I was close to slapping HER. But I refrained myself, if I did that I'd be just as bad as her. "Niall is so tiny and so perfect, I don't understand how you could blame him. If you would put yourself aside for a minute you would realize how amazing he is. He's super smart, he's never, EVER gotten anything lower than an A- in every subject. That's for you mum! He wanted you to notice him! And he's really talented with his guitar." I was desperately pleading with her. Why couldn't she see how amazing he is?! "I seriously doubt that. The kids stupid, he's never gonna make anything of himself." She got up to leave. "It's just a shame that out of all these times he never actually succeeded in killing himself." She flung over her shoulder. I wanted to jump on her back and take her to the floor, punch her until she cries for mercy. "I hate you! I hate you and I wish dad were here and not you!" I screamed at her. "I'm calling child protective services on you!" She didn't say anything, just kept walking. Before I even knew what was happening I was up the steps packing bags for both Niall and I. There's no way I'm staying here, and there's no way Niall's staying alone. I'd get us an apartment, just him and I. 

I lugged a bunch of suitcases out to my car and loaded them in the trunk. I wasn't even going to say bye to mum. She didn't deserve that. I got into the drivers seat and started the car. I drove to a hotel and got us a room for the next few days until I could get us an apartment. I had left my number at the hospital and they'd promised to call the very second he woke up, no matter what time, so I sat my phone down on the bedside table and crawled under the covers after taking everything but my boxers off. I had a dream that Niall was happy and that we held hands and kissed. I had pushed him up against a wall and kissed him hard. We had dragged ourselves to the bed, scrambling to get our clothes off. I woke up breathing heavily, how could I dream that? Ni's my brother... But oh, I love him so much. My phone started ringing, startling me out of my thoughts. "Hello?" I said frantically into the phone. "Hello, Mr. Horayne. I'm calling about your brother..." He didn't sound to happy. "Y-yes?" I said shakily. "I'm afraid he's not doing to well, you might want to come down here and be with him." I could hardly hear him because my heart was beating so hard. I hung up the phone and threw some clothes on, crying the whole time. I can't live without him. He's my whole world. 

I made it to the hospital fifteen minutes later and ran through the doors. Once inside I scrambled to his room. He was in there hooked up to tons of tubes and equipment. I choked back a sob as I looked at him, he looked so...empty. So alone. I sat down beside him and took his hand. "Ni-bug, please wake up." I whispered. I laid my head down next to his and cried. He can't die. I fell asleep there, my cheek pressed against his shoulder. 

"Leeeyum, where am I?" I was startled awake by a ruff whisper in my ear. "Ni-bug?" I said in disbelief. "Li, where's daddy and mommy?" His eyes were wide and scared looking. "Ni, what are you talking about? Daddy died five years ago..." I said, confused. "But he couldn't have. He was just in the car with me. I remember cause he said we were gonna go for ice-cream. He said that it would be my special treat but after we left I wanted to get you some too so we turned around. I-I don't remember anything after that, I must have fallen asleep." He looked at me with his big blue eyes and all I could think was that he looked so pretty sitting there. "N-Ni, how old are you?" I asked. "I'm eight, silly." He giggled. My heart stopped in my chest. He didn't remember any of it. "Ni, you're thirteen." I whispered. "What are you talking about?" He looked at me, confused. "Shit..." I mumbled under my breath. I called in the nurse, needing this to be a practical joke. She was as shocked as I was. "Why did he forget?" I asked. "It could be that he was so traumatized by the past five years that his mind took his comatose state as an opportunity to erase the memories." She said. "But he's gonna remember it right?" I asked shakily. "That's hard to tell. It may come back quickly, scattered in pieces, or not at all." She said. My mind could hardly process it all. "Leeyum!" I heard Niall yell. I walked into his room to see what he needed.  
"Yeah, bug?" I asked. "L-Liam, I think I remember a car accident..." His lower lip was trembling and his eyes were shiny with unshed tears. "There was so much blood and glass." He put his hands over his ears and scrunched his eyes closed as I rapped my arms around him. "And daddy... He's not moving. Liam, I don't want daddy to go away." He started sobbing. "Baby boy... I'm sorry but daddy's gone already." My voice cracked. And then I started crying too. We cried together, Niall's small body fitting perfectly in my arms. 

 

              Niall  
I cried myself out in Liam's arms, but him being there somehow made it better. I don't know... He was making my heart beat so fast. He said that I forgot five years, and he seemed so sad. I wish I could remember... "Liam! I have an idea!" I suddenly sat up straight. "What is it?" He asked. "Did I have any diaries? Any notebooks?" I asked him. "Yeah, actually you do. You've got a really big one and a smaller one. Do you want me to get them?" He asked. "Yeah." I said. He got his coat on and headed out the door, hugging me and promising to be back in twenty minutes. And he kept his promise. He was back shortly with a box of stuff. "Your notebooks are in here, and a few other things of yours." He placed the box on my lap. I pulled out the notebooks first and sat them to the side, I'd read them later. I pulled out a picture of Liam and I. He had his arms around me and we were smiling widely, standing beneath the statue of liberty. "We've been to New York?" I asked. "Yeah, you loved it too. You're eyes were as big as saucers the entire time. We even saw Beauty And The Beast on Broadway." He said. "That's amazing... I wish I could remember." I sighed and took something else out of the box. It was a Teddy bear. It was black, and on it's tummy it said be mine? "Do I have a girlfriend?" I asked worriedly. "No, bud." He chuckled. "I gave that to you for valentines day last year. You were upset that you weren't in a relationship, so I took you to see a movie and we went ice-skating and then out to Nandos. I bought you this bear at the end of the day. You couldn't sleep without it." He fondly petted it's fur, lost in memory. "Oh... I wish I could remember it. It sounds like we had a bunch of fun." I said sadly. "Hey, it's alright bug. We'll make new memories alright?" He hugged me tightly, and I melted into his arms. "Okay." I whispered. "Will you read this to me?" I asked, handing him the first notebook. "Um... But this is yours... Isn't it private?" I asked. "It was a totally different me. And if he had secrets we can find them out together." I said calmly. I wasn't going to change my mind. I just wanted to lay down and listen to his voice. It was so beautiful. 

 

              Liam  
I grabbed the notebook and opened it slowly. I started reading all the ones I had read earlier. He started crying when he heard that he had tried to kill himself. He told me to keep going so I did. 

"Sunday April tenth, two thousand eleven. Age eleven.   
I think I made Liam sad today. I caught him crying but I don't know why... Probably he misses dad. It's all my fault. I love him. Liam, I mean. But not like I should. I love him so much more than a brother..." I trailed off and stared at the paper in disbelief. He loved me. He really did love me. But now he's gone. He doesn't remember loving me. "I-is that true, Li? W-were we... Um in love? Is that why you were so upset when I couldn't remember?" He asked shakily. "I didn't know... I had no idea you were in love with me." I said. "Oh, okay. Well that's weird. I love you like you're my brother. Just in case you're a little freaked out now." He said with the frankness of the eight year old he swore he was. "Good to know..." I chuckled, but it came out dry. I had missed him. I had missed my chance with the one I love. He had slipped right through my fingers. I turned away for a minute and let a few tears slide down my cheeks. I wiped them away and turned around to face him. "You wanna go home now?" I asked, I'd already spoken to child protective services and they granted me temporary custody while they scoped out mum. "Yeah, I wanna go home." He said. "Okay." I scooped him up out of the bed and got him dressed. "Let's go get those release forms." I said while he jumped onto my back. I signed his release papers and we headed out of there. Once we got to the hotel I took him up to our room.

 

"Can you read me some more?" Niall asked, placing the notebook on my lap. "I don't feel right reading your diary... Even if it was a different you. But you can still read it." I said, running my hands through his soft blonde hair. "Oh... Okay." He looked a little disappointed. "I'm sorry buddy." I said. "It's okay." He smiled at me and I almost feinted. He's perfect. I ordered pizza for dinner and almost cried when he stacked three pieces on his plate. "What's wrong?" He asked concernedly looking at my tear filled eyes. "It's just that...well you never used to eat. That's why you're so thin. I haven't seen you eat anything in a really, really long time. It makes me happy." I said, giving him a small hug. "Oh, well why would I do that?" He looked confused. "I have no idea bug." I said. We sat down to eat on the couch and turned the tv on. "Let's watch Toy Story!" Niall shouted. "That's your favorite right?" He looked up at me with big blue eyes. "Yeah, it is." I smiled and went to go get the movie out of my suitcase. (yes I brought it with me, don't judge.) I came back and put the movie in. I sat down on the couch and Niall cuddled into me. I smiled to myself and rapped my arm around him, leaving one arm open to eat pizza with. I loved pizza. The movie started and I kept my eyes on the tv, enthralled with it even though I've seen the movie hundreds of times. I was so into it that I didn't even hear my phone ring. Niall answered, it was mum. I tried to take the phone away from him but it was to late, I could hear mum yelling at him. His eyes filled up with tears as he gripped the phone to his ear, he wouldn't give it to me. "You're disgusting." "You should be dead." "I wish you would have died!" "You're so worthless." I heard her scream all these things at him and more. My eyes filled up with tears, I hated seeing him cry. And mum yelling at him, well that just pissed me off beyond words. I yanked the phone out of his hands and ended the call, I don't care if she wanted to talk to me. "Come here bug." I sat down on the floor and pulled him onto my lap. He sobbed into my chest, his small shoulders shaking. It was breaking my heart. "I-I understand n-now..." He sobbed out. "Understand what, Ni?" I asked softly, cradling his body. "I under-understand a-all the scars, w-why I'm so skinny." He looked at me with his big caribbean blue eyes filled with tears and sighed. "It's me. I did it, didn't I? I killed dad because I wanted him to turn around." The realization of what he thought was the truth made him sob even harder. "No, bud. It's not your fault." I rocked him back and forth. "I hated myself didn't I?" He asked, sniffing his tears away. "Buddy..." I trailed off. "I did. I remember it. Liam, I remember everything now. Oh god..." He clenched my shirt and sobbed into my chest. And I know, I know I should be concerned about him and I was, but at that moment all I could think is that if he remembered everything maybe he loved me again. There was that chance that we could be together... "Liam?" I heard a soft voice whisper. "Hm? Yeah?" I jerked myself out of my thoughts. "That...erm, what you read in my diary... Can you just forget about it? It was stupid and gross, so please just...forget about it." I swear he just read my mind. "Bug, I don't want to forget about it. It wasn't stupid or gross. Maybe people think it's wrong but I don't, and neither should you." I said, grabbing his slim shoulders and staring into his deep blue eyes, eyes I could get lost in. "B-but... Why?" his big blue eyes held a look of confusion. "Because I lo-love you, Ni-bug." I pulled him towards me and he nuzzled his face into my chest. "S-so what now?" I asked nervously. "Probably you should kiss me." He said seriously. "You want me to?" I asked him. He nodded his head in a yes. I laid my hands on his cheeks gently and pulled his face towards me. He closed his eyes and we both leaned in. Our lips touched with a burst of electricity. It was amazing how much he made me feel. 

 

"Mr. Horayne? Mr. Horayne?" I jerked my head up and blinked in confusion. Where was I? I looked around me and realized I was in the hospital, laying next to Niall's bed. But...I had just kissed him. We had told each other we were in love. It was all a dream? He hadn't forgotten? I looked at Niall's sleeping face and sighed, of course he didn't love me. Who would love me? No one, that's who. I got up from my sitting position and stretched a bit. I was sore from sitting in a chair all night long. The nurse came in after awhile to check on Niall. "Is he going to make it?" I asked. "I'm not sure, Mr. Horayne. But we like to stay optimistic." She said sweetly. "Okay, well thank you." I said with a weak smile. She nodded her head and went out of the room. I sighed and stepped over to Niall's bed to hold his hand. "Please get better, Ni-bug." I whispered. I felt a tear slip out of my eye, how will anything be okay again if he dies? I couldn't bear the thought. 

 

              Niall  
I blinked my eyes slowly and yawned. I looked around me, confused as to were I was. Where's Liam? "Liam!" I called. My voice was scratchy from lack of use, but I was done being silent. "Ni?!" Liam came running into the room and scooped me into his arms. "You woke up. I thought you weren't going to this time. Oh, bug, I was so scared." He buried his face in my neck and sobbed. "Please Ni, please, don't ever do this again. I love you so much. I can't live without you." He kissed the top of my head and my forehead and my cheeks. I sank into his embrace, loving him with all my heart. "I'm sorry, Li. I'm sorry." I said, hugging him tighter. "Don't be sorry. Just please, don't ever do this again. I really wouldn't be able to live without you." He looked into my eyes seriously. "I'll try." I whispered. "Thank you." He rapped his arms back around me and cuddled into me, his body shaking from sobs. "Li, it's okay now. I'm here." I rubbed his back. "I-I know, I'm just really glad that you're alive. I was so scared, I think it's all just catching up to me." He wiped his eyes and smiled apologetically. "Hey, Ni?" He looked into my eye. "We're not going to be living with mum anymore. I called child protective services on her." He said. "But...they'll put me in foster care. Liam, they'll take me away from you!" I started crying. "No, bug. Sh, no tears. I got custody over you, I wouldn't split us up." He squeezed me tighter. I calmed down after that and stopped crying. "So where are we going, Li?" I looked up into his face. "Right now I've got a hotel not far from here. We'll stay there till I can get us an apartment." He stroked some hair out of my face. "That sounds good." I smiled at him. "Yeah." He kissed my forehead softly. "Love you, Li." I whispered, falling asleep again. "I love you too, Bug." He said, laying his head on top of mine. "I'm glad you're okay." He whispered. "Me too." I closed my eyes and fell back against his chest. 

I woke up later in a Liam's car. "Li?" I whispered, my voice still heavy with sleep. "I'm here, bug. You were asleep so I carried you to the car. We're almost at the hotel." He said. I nodded my head and sighed. "Things are gonna change now." I whispered. "For the better." He said, reaching  over and squeezing my hand. I smiled at him and left my hand in his, it gave me butterflies. We pulled into a parking lot and he stopped the car. "Let's go, bud." He said. I nodded my head and opened my door. I stumbled out and waited for Liam to come around. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the building. We took the elevator up to our room on the fourth floor. "Well this is home for awhile." He opened the door and showed me around. "It's pretty big, almost the size of a small apartment." He said. "It's great." I hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you think so, Ni." He kissed the top of my head. "Your stuff is in there if you want to change your clothes." He pointed to the bedroom. "Okay." I slipped into the room and took note on how there was only one bed - I'd just sleep on the couch. I changed into sweatpants and a long sleeve and walked out of the room. "Are you hungry?" Liam asked. "Not really, I kinda feel sick." I was actually telling the truth this time. "Alright." He sighed. I went to him and rapped my arms around him. "Thanks for doing this, Li." I whispered. "I'd do anything for you, bug." He squeezed me tighter. "Love you." I said. "Love you too." He let me go and smiled at me. "Do I have to go to school tomorrow?" I asked. "No, you can have the rest of the week off since it's Wednesday. I'll call the school and let them know." He said. "Thank you." I smiled gratefully. "No problem." He swiped some hair out of my face. We went and sat down on the couch to watch a movie. "Snuggle with me?" Liam held open his blanket and looked at me hopefully. I smiled and crawled underneath the blanket with him. He pulled me toward him- to where we were basically spooning- and rapped his arm around my stomach. "Comfortable?" He asked. I nodded my head. "Good." He kissed the back of my head softly. I shivered involuntarily and shrank into him farther. 

 

              Liam  
I held him close and sighed happily. My Nialler. I put my nose in his hair and ruffled it around. "You smell good." I whispered. "Yeah, like hospital shit." He laughed. "Language, Ni. And no, you smell like sunshine." I kissed the tip of his ear. "Sunshine? That sounds very poetic." He laughed. "Thank you, I wrote it myself." I laughed along with him. "I'm tired, Li." He whispered. "Let's get you to bed." I scooped him up and carried him to the bedroom. I laid him down on the bed and pulled his sweatpants off. He took his shirt off while I turned around and got him one of my big shirts. "Here ya go." I handed him the shirt, keeping my eyes away from him. I didn't want to embarrass him, even though he doesn't have anything to be embarrassed about. He's perfection. "Where are you gonna sleep?" He asked. "I'll take the couch." I said. "You could- that is if you want to- you could sleep in the bed. But if you don't it's fine- whatever, right?" He tried laughing but it came out dry. I was reminded of my dream. Maybe he actually did love me. I'd have to find out somehow- looking in his diary a last resort. "Okay." I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. I took my pants and shirt off and curled in next to him. "You're to far away." I drug him closer and cuddled into his back. He was so intoxicating, just the simple feel of him on my skin was arousing. He turned me on to no end. "I love you, Nialler. So much, bug." I whispered in his ear, hovering my lips just centimeters away from the delicately pale skin. "I love you too, Li." He whispered sleepily. His voice was so small but yet gruff and it was amazing and beautiful. I could feel myself begin to harden. Maybe he wouldn't feel it, he was almost asleep after all. He let out a sigh and mumbled something. "What?" I asked. No reply. He was sleeping, good. I slipped out of the bed and into the bathroom, I needed to release myself. I lowered my boxers and let my now fully erect cock out. I touched the top of it lightly just in the place that always got to me. I grabbed a small hand towel out of the cabinet and wet it down. I rapped the ruff cloth around my cock and slid it down it with force. I shivered and let out a groan. I did it again, imagining it was Niall's small hands touching me this time. "Niall." I moaned. I jerked it up and down harshly and shivered. With a few more times of that it wasn't long before I was cuming. I leaned against the wall and panted, hoping I wasn't to loud and woke Niall up. I took a few minutes to regulate my breathing and clean myself up before I slipped back into bed with my Ni. I rapped my arms back around him and pulled him close again. He shifted in my arms and turned around to where his head was laying on my chest. How could any moment be more perfect than now? 

The next morning I woke up and Niall wasn't in bed with me. Where was he? I hopped out of bed and threw on some of my sweatpants. I walked out of the bedroom and smelled bacon cooking. "Niall?" I called. "In the kitchen." I walked into the kitchen and Niall was in there cooking bacon and pancakes. "I'm making breakfast for you." He looked up at me and smiled, and I swear I was never more in love with him than I was right then. "It's almost ready." He said. I went to sit at the table and almost got another boner because he was still in just his underwear and my big t-shirt. His pale legs stuck out from under the hem of the shirt, the dark color made them look even whiter and more delicate. "Here you go." He placed a plate in front of me. "Thank you, Ni. This looks delicious." I poured some syrup on the pancakes and cut them with my fork. When I put it in my mouth it just melted. I'm pretty sure he's got a gift for making food. "Niall, these are amazing." I said. "Thanks." He blushed. He sat down across from me with one pancake and one slice of bacon on his plate. "You're gonna eat?" I asked him happily. "Yeah..." He said slowly. I smiled at him and he smile back. We ate together, talking and laughing happily- his laugh was the most amazing thing. "Why are you staring at me, Li?" He giggled. "Just that your laugh is adorable." I blushed for having been caught staring at him. "My laugh sounds like something dying." He got serious. "It does not!" I said. "It kinda does." He looked at me. "It sounds adorable that's what it sounds like." I said. "Plus you really need to stop downing yourself. You really are amazing and special, Ni." I went over and sat in the chair beside him instead of across from him. "Thanks, Li." He smiled at me. Maybe I'm getting through to him. "Wanna go get a Christmas tree today?" I asked him. "We can?!" He squealed. "Yeah, the hotel puts real ones in the hotel rooms every year. They said we could pick out our own." I smiled seeing the grin spread through Niall's features. "What are you waiting for, Li? Let's go!" He jumped up and pulled me along with him. "Maybe you wanna put some clothes on first?" I asked him. "Oh." He giggled. "Nobody wants to see that." He looked down at himself then darted into the bedroom. I do, I thought to myself. 

Once we were both done dressing we got in the car and headed to the tree farm. It was an hours drive- but worth it because the Christmas trees were beautiful. I encouraged Niall to sleep on the way there but he was to excited. "Liam, we didn't even get a tree last year. Let me be excited!" He said when I told him to calm down a bit. "You're gonna give yourself a headache." I warned him. "Don't worry so much, Li." He pulled on my earlobe. Weirdo. "I'm your big brother, it's my job." I smiled at him. He just giggled and plugged in his iPod to play some music. He started playing Be Alright by Justin Bieber. "Niall, you're way to obsessed with this guy." I said. "So?" He giggled. Man, I just couldn't get enough of his laugh. When he started singing along my mouth literally dropped. He was an AMAZING singer. "Liam!" He hit my shoulder and I swerved just in time to not hit the car next to me. "Why were you staring at me with your mouth open, I'm not that bad of a singer, am I?" He asked. "No Nialler, you're fantastic." I said enthusiastically. "You think so?" He blushed. "Yeah, you're great." I grabbed his hand. "Thanks." He blushed even harder. He went to slip his hand out of mine but I just grabbed it tighter. He didn't look at me but I could see the smile on his lips. I smiled too, knowing that I'd made him smile. "LIAM LOOK AT THE SIGN WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!" He screamed suddenly. "Maybe we should turn around..." I winked at him. "Liam don't you dare even joke with me, this is not fucking funny!" He pretended to pout. "Language, Niall." I reminded him. "Sorry, Li." he said quietly. "It's alright, just try and remember." I smiled at him. His face immediately lightened up. I pulled into the parking lot and parked the car. I jumped out of the door telling him to stay put. I went around to his side and opened the door for him, like a gentleman. He hugged me quickly and darted inside the building. I followed after him in time to hear him yell. "Dotty! It's Niall and Liam!" I laughed at his silliness. "My, my finally found that voice I see." She said, coming out from the back room. He blushed and looked down at the floor. "Yup." He said. "Well, we gonna go a'lookin or what?" She said grabbing a chainsaw and a wagon. "Let's go." Niall yelled. We all walked out the door toward the tree lot. Niall ran ahead of us to look at the trees so it gave me an opportunity to have a talk with Dotty. I told her all about what happened between my mum and me and with Niall. "Sounds like you did good by that boy, Liam. He's the happiest I've ever seen him. He looks to me like he's starting to love this here life again. You should be mighty proud." She said. "Thank you, Dotty. It means a lot. And I am proud. He's growing up so much." I said, my eyes traveling along with Niall's form in the distance to keep an eye on him. "You still holding on to it, Liam?" Dotty was THE only person who knew how in love with Niall I was. "Can't shake it." I said. "I should feel bad, yeah? For loving my brother in the way that I do. But honestly I don't." I said, hanging my head in shame. It wasn't normal to love your own brother. "Now don't you go thinking that'a way. You love who you love and that's that." She patted my arm. "Thanks." She always made me feel better about Niall. "You gonna be paying for him to go to school?" She asked. "Yeah, it's gonna be ruff but I think I'm about to get a promotion on my job." I said. "You ever need help just ask. I got more money than I know what to do with." She smiled at me. "YOU GUYS I FOUND THE PERFECT ONE IT'S AWESOME COME SEE!!!!!" We laughed when we heard him scream. "Guess he's got himself a keeper." She nodded her head in his direction. He was standing next to a really big tree. "Great find, Ni." I came up behind him and hugged him. "Thank you." He turned around and hugged me back. I got the chainsaw and cut it down and put it in the wagon. We all walked back up to the shop and sat down with some cocoa and cookies. "Not many customers today. You're lucky you came at this time, we've been so busy I wouldn't have been able to sit with ya and enjoy some cocoa and cookies." She said, laughing a bit. "Yeah, we would have come sooner but well...you know how it is." I said. She nodded her head and smiled at Niall as he ate his cookie. He never could get enough of Dotty's cookies. He always eats them every year we come. Sometime it'll be the only thing he's eaten in weeks. "Enjoying that cookie there, Ni?" I said, laughing a bit, he had crumbs and chocolate all over his face. He looked adorable. "Say cheese." I took a picture of him with my phone. "It's a good cookie." He protested. I just giggled at him. He's so perfect. "Bad weathers coming in, you's best be getting home now." Dotty said, looking out the window. "Yeah that's probably best." I said. "You ready to go, Ni?" I asked him. "Yeah." He looked down at his cookie and put the rest of it in his mouth. "I tell you what, I'll give you about two dozen more of those  
cookies to take home. I'm gonna close up because of this weather. So you go ahead and take em home with ya." Dotty said with a twinkle in her eye. She loved doting on Niall. Didn't everyone? Don't answer that question. "Come on, bug." I said once she handed him the cookies. I tied the tree to the top of the car as we loaded into the car and backed out of the driveway. We waved bye and were on our way. "Save some of those cookies for later, Ni." I said playfully. "I will. I'm to sick to eat them all right now. I think I had to many." He rubbed his stomach. "Poor baby." I grabbed his hand and massaged it. "I'm not a baby." Niall said. "Yes you are, you're my baby." I said chuckling at him. "I'm not a baby!" He yelled huffily. "Whatever you say, Ni." I ruffled his hair. "Whatever." He tried to pretend he was annoyed but I could tell that he wasn't. "Love you, Ni!" I giggled. "No, I don't love you right now." He crossed his arms defiantly. "Sure Ni, whatever you say." He glared at me. I just chuckled and turned on the radio. Demons by Imagine Dragons was on. "OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS SONG!" Niall yelled. "God, Niall, hold yourself together." I grabbed my ears playfully. "Shut up, Li." He chuckled. We sang along to the music and giggled the rest of the way home. I pulled into the hotel parking lot and got some workers to help me carry in the tree. We got it up to the room and I had them place it a few feet away from the fireplace. "Thanks for your help." I called as they walked out. 

Niall and I spent all night decorating it with ornaments that I had grabbed from my mums house a few days ago. It was one of the best Christmas memories, I think. I looked over at Niall at about nine and he looked like he was about to pass out. "Come on, Ni. Let's get you to bed." I grabbed his hand. "But m' not tire', Li." He mumbled, trying to keep his eyes open. "I think you are." I said. He just shook his head but slipped down to the floor and laid down. I chuckled and pulled him into my arms so I could carry him to the bedroom. He was just so adorable. I slipped him onto the bed and took his pants and shirt off. I helped him put on the shirt that he wore last night and pulled the blankets up to his chin. "Night, Ni-bug. I love you." I whispered, pressing my lips to his cheek. The thing is though, he turned his head unknowingly and our lips collided. I quickly backed up and blushed hard. "Sorry." I whispered. "It's fine." He mumbled, falling asleep again. I sighed because his lips felt perfect on top of mine. I stripped down into just my boxers and slipped in next to him. I pulled him toward me and let him curl into my stomach. He was so small that I just rapped my arms around him and he fit perfectly. "Love you too, Li." Niall whispered all the sudden. "Go to sleep, bug." I chuckled and kissed his forehead. He grabbed my hip with one hand and held on tightly, but I didn't mind because it was cute. 

I woke up the next morning and Niall was in my arms still. He looked so perfect. I looked at the clock and realized it was noon already. "Come on, Ni. Time to get up." I took my arms from around him so he would wake up. "Five more minutes?" He asked without opening his eyes. "Nope, you gotta get up right now. I'll order room service if you do." I tried coaxing him. He perked up. "Can I get waffles?" He asked. "Sure, buddy." I chuckled. He slowly got out of bed and stretched. "You're so cute, Ni." I said without thinking. "Thanks." He blushed and looked down. I blushed too. "Welcome." I picked him up bridal style and carried him into the kitchen and sat him on the counter. I handed him the phone and told him to order whatever he wanted. He smiled at me and grabbed the phone. "I'm gonna shower real quick. Alright, buddy?" I walked toward the bathroom. "Okay." He swung his feet back and forth. I closed the bathroom door and stripped my clothes off. A nice shower would be good. 

 

              Niall  
I sat on the counter waiting for room service to get here. I was actually hungry, which was weird. I guess half of it was because it makes Liam super happy whenever I eat something. But also I actually was a bit hungry. So I'll eat some pancakes and other stuff too, but probably I'd throw them back up later, because it makes me hate myself whenever I eat something. I'm fat, and I need to control that. A knock on the door shook me out of my haze and I went to look through the peephole. I gasped quietly.  
It was my mum.  
"I have a key, you know. I'll come in either way." She looked right into the peephole. Even though she couldn't see me, I still shivered as tears came to my eyes. What should I do? I slowly back up from the door not wanting to make to much noise and made my way to the bathroom. I reached for the handle and scurried into the room, shutting the door behind me right as mum walked in. "Niall?" I turned around and Liam was standing behind me in nothing but a towel. "Mums here." I trembled. "She's what? Did you let her in?" Liam's eyes were wide in shock and confusion. "No, somehow she had a key. Liam, I'm scared." I whimpered and slid to the floor. "It's gonna be okay, buddy." Liam kissed the top of my head and stepped away to get his clothes on. I could here my mum searching all throughout the apartment. She was almost at the bathroom door. "Li." I started crying silently. "Come here, baby." He pulled me up and into his arms. "I won't let her hurt you, bug, I promise." He said, squeezing me tighter and kissing my temple. "Stay in here." He whispered. I looked at him like he was crazy. "But, Li, what if she hurts you?!" I would not let him get hurt. "Ni, she won't hurt me. I'm stronger and bigger than her." He gave me one last hug and stepped out of the bathroom. 

 

              Liam  
I stepped out of the bathroom and walked toward my mum. "What do you want?" I asked harshly. "Now, Liam, don't speak that way to your mum. I'm here for Niall. Just tell me where he is and I'll leave." She smiled sickeningly sweetly at me. "I would die before I let you lay another finger on him." I growled. "I think you'll change your mind." She reached into her purse and pulled out a gun. My eyes went wide, she's insane. Just then room service peeked in the door. Mum had her back to him so she didn't see, but I looked at him with pleading eyes as he pressed a button on the wall. Immediately an alarm went off and I could hear people filing out of their rooms loudly. A team of security guards showed up in the doorway a minute later. "Ma'am we need you to put down your weapon." One officer said, stepping forward. She sent him a smile over her shoulder and pointed her gun me. "One more step and I'll shoot him." She warned. "No!" Niall's blonde hair peaked out from the doorway before he appeared in front of us. "You can take me, just leave Liam be." He said, his voice quivering. What the fuck was he doing? "Ni-" He held up his hand.  "I know what I'm doing." He walked closer to mum and she grabbed his arm. "Now all of you stay away." She pointed her gun at them and walked toward the balcony. "Niall!" I lunged after him but she shot me in my leg. I screamed, falling to the floor. "No!" Niall yelled, trying to get out of her grip. "Liam!" He started sobbing. I held my leg as a paramedic came in. A team of cops came up and over the balcony and grabbed my mum from behind, wrenching the gun out of her grasp. Niall- now free- ran to me and dropped beside me. "Liam, I'm sorry." He said, sobbing. "N-not your fault." I choked out. "I-it is." He started sobbing harder but I blacked out. 

I woke up in a hospital bed with Niall hovering over me. "Hey, bug." I whispered when I opened my eyes. He hugged me lightly and smiled at me. "Hey." He said. "Are you in pain?" He asked worriedly. "My leg hurts, but other than that I'm fine. The doctor said that it didn't go into my leg, just clipped the side of it. So it should heal quickly."  I said. He nodded his head. "I just wanted to apologize for you getting shot, I would have grabbed her hand or something if I would have seen it coming..." He trailed off sadly. "Niall James Horayne, it is not your fault. There's nothing any of us could've done." I moved the bed to a sitting position and patted the bed for him to sit next to me. "But if I hadn't killed dad then mum wouldn't hate me in the first place and she wouldn't have hurt you. It's my fault and I'm sorry." He said. "Buddy, you did not kill dad. No one could have stopped what happened." I rapped my arm around his shoulder and curled him into me. "Okay." He laid his head on my shoulder and sighed. I wish he didn't feel like this. I wish that he didn't hurt himself and starve himself. I wish that mum didn't blame it on him. I wish that he could realize how amazing he is. I just love him to death. He is literally my everything. He's my entire world. "Niall, I love you." I whispered against the top of his head. "Love you too, Li." He said happily. "When I get out I'll  take you to see a movie, how about it? Does that sound fun?" I asked. He giggled and nodded his head, well good. "Liam?" Niall asked after a few minutes. "Yeah, bug?" I kissed the top of his head. "Thanks for being the best big brother ever." He looked up at me and smiled brightly. I choked up when he said that, I mean, I was trying my hardest but I wasn't really that great. "Thank you for being the best little brother ever." I said, placing a kiss on his forehead. "I'm pretty great, aren't I?" He joked. "Yes, yes you are." I nuzzled my nose into his neck and blew a raspberry. "Li, that tickles!" He giggled. "Good to know." I winked at him and leaned down to blow another one.  

       Two weeks later  
              Niall  
"Niall, come on, up you go." Liam tried to drag me out of bed. I kicked him and rolled over. "Niall that was my nuts." He groaned. "Not m' problem." I mumbled. "Seriously, Ni. You're gonna be late for school and then you'll be in trouble." He yanked the covers off my body. "Li." I coughed out. "Ohmygod, Niall, what's wrong? You look really sick." He bent down and felt my forehead. "You're hot." He said worriedly. "Tell m' something I don't know." I mumbled but ended up coughing so it wasn't funny. "Niall, I'm being serious." He looked pretty damn worried. "I'll be right back." He left the room and came back a minute later with a thermometer. "Open up." I opened my mouth and he stuck it under my tongue. Once it beeped he took it out and nearly dropped it on the ground. "You're not going to school." He said firmly. "What was it?" I asked. "102. I'll stay home today to." He said, tucking me into bed. "I can stay here by myself." I mumbled. "Not happening, Ni. Not my precious baby." He cooed. I just smiled quickly at him and rolled onto my stomach to sleep. "Want me to lay with you after I call in for us both?" He asked, massaging my back. "Yeah, that sounds good." I said. "Okay, be right back." He stepped out of the room for a minute and came back in with a cup of tea. "Here ya go, bug." He sat the tea on the bedside table. I sat up and grabbed the cup. I tried lifting it but I was to weak. "I'll help you." Liam said quickly. He came over and took the cup out of my hands bringing it to my lips so I could sip it slowly. "Thank you, Li." I croaked out. "Anything for you, Ni." He whispered fondly. He set the tea aside and crawled in beside me. "Come 'ere." He said, opening his arms wide. "I'll get you sick." I protested. "I'll be fine, bug." He pulled me into his arms and I cuddled into him. "Love you, Li." I said, my voice shallow and cracky. "Sh, you'll lose your voice. And I love you too." He kissed my sweaty forehead lightly. I shivered under his touch. It was almost like magic. 

I woke up a few hours later and Liam was gone. "Li?" I called out, my voice cracking. No answer. "Liam?" I slipped out of bed to go find him. I didn't make it that far though because I fell. I was to weak, I just crumbled to the ground. "Niall?" Liam came in and scooped me up. "I was just in the bathroom." He said when I asked him where he was. "Oh, I just- I thought that mum got you." I said, fighting back tears. "No, I'm right here, bug." He rapped his arms around me and we laid down again. "I'm sorry for scaring you, Ni." He whispered in my ear. "It's okay, I guess I'm just worried, that's all." I said. I mean, mum shot him in the leg! "Don't worry, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon." He cupped my face in his hands. Asdfghjkl, this boy. I leaned away from him so I could cough. "Aww, you sound terrible, baby." He said, kissing my forehead. "I told you, Li, I'm not a baby." I growled at him. "And I told you that you're my baby." He shot back. "Whatever." I stuck my tongue out at him. "You're so cute, bug." He said, laughing. "D'aww." I rolled my eyes. Not falling for that. I was butt ugly, and everyone knows it. He chuckled and told me to sleep. 

 

         Two days later  
"I'm feeling better, Li." I pouted, sticking my lip way out. "Okay, as long as you're sure." He tipped my chin up and smiled at me. "I am." I raced to our room so I could get dressed for school. I actually like school now, I have a friend. His names Zayn. He's pretty cool. He just started last week, but we get on very well. I think he might be gay, or at least bisexual. "Niall, bus is here." Liam called. I raced out of the room, kissed Liam's cheek, and flew down to the bus stop. I made it just in time. "Niall!" I heard someone call my name. I looked for the owner of the voice and found Zayn's brown eyes staring at me from a few rows back. I waved and made my way over to him. "Hey." I said shyly. "Hey, mate. Where ya been?" He asked. "I had the flu." I said. "Aww poor thing. You're better now, yeah?" He looked into my eyes. "Yeah, I'm A-okay." I chuckled. "Good thing, mate." He said. We rode the rest of the way to the school in silence. Both our first periods were English Lit. So we headed to our lockers and over to the classroom together. 

Skip school because I'm home schooled and idk how public school works. But anyway it's like the next day.~

"Hey, Zayn, you wanna come hang out at my house?" I asked on the way home from school. "Sure, why not?" He smiled at me. "Kay." We got off at my stop and walked into the hotel. "Hey, Mike." I greeted the elevator man. We had decided to stay on at the hotel instead of getting an apartment. They loved us here. "Good afternoon, Niall. Got a friend with you?" He winked at me. Mike was gay, so he figured out pretty quickly that I was too. "Yeah, this is Zayn." I smiled at him but shook my a head a bit to let him know that this was JUST a friend. "Nice to meet you." Mike shook Zayn's hand and winked at me again. I rolled my eyes and ignored him, he was being dumb. I mean, sure, Zayn was attractive but I was in love with Liam. Nothing would change that. "Here's your stop, I'll see ya later. You two have a nice day." Mike said. "Bye, Mike." I waved and stepped out, Zayn on my heels. "Well he was gay." Zayn giggled. "No fucking kidding." I rolled my eyes again. I let myself in the room and saddened  just a little when I remembered that Liam was gone because of work. But then I brightened back up because he was coming home tomorrow. "So what'da wanna do?" He asked. "Dunno, we could play some video games?" I suggested. I personally didn't like them but I knew that Zayn did. "I was thinking of something different." His eyes lit up thirstily. I was really confused. "W-what?" I said. "We could-" He stepped toward me and put his hand on my hip. "...have some fun. Your brothers not here and I know you're gay. Fucking disgusting queer." He spat out at me. Wait- what? I was so, so confused. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson." He growled in my ear. I was scared now. "Z-Zayn, what are you talking about?" I said shakily. "Disgusting faggots like you need to be taught a lesson." He growled. The word faggot really hit hard. Was that all I was? He reached for the hem of my shirt yanking it over my head despite my protest. He jerked my jeans down along with my boxers. My penis was now showing and so was every cut, every scar on my body. "Looks like I've got myself a cutter." He laughed. I was so scared, tears were flowing down my cheeks. I was sobbing loudly, begging for him not to do this as he turned me around and bent me over. "Zayn, please don't. Please." I begged. "Too late, faggot." He spread my legs wide apart and jammed his large cock into me. I let out a cry and sobbed louder. "Take it, if you like cock so much. Take my cock, you slut." He pounded into me with each word. "Zayn, stop." I pleaded, whimpering pathetically. He just went harder. It hurt so fucking bad, every inch of my body hurt. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse he took himself out. I was going to breath a sigh of relief when he grabbed my jaw and pried my mouth open. He shoved his cock in my mouth and shoved himself all the way in.  I choked and gagged but he didn't care. He came halfway in my mouth then took himself out and sprayed it all over my face. "You like that, Niall?" He growled. "You like my hot cum on your face?" He slapped his hand across my face and spread his cum around with my tears. "Stop." I whimpered. He sat back and smirked at me. He brought his knee up and slammed it into my stomach, making me cry out in pain. I slid to the floor as he kicked me and punched me. "My work here is done. I hope you fucking kill yourself. Disgusting faggot." He spit in my face and walked out the door. I sat there shaking for what seemed like hours. Did it really happen? I tried so hard to forget it, but I couldn't get over his feel on my skin. It disgusted me. I was disgusting. I was a worthless piece of shit. I can't believe I even let Liam try and tell me otherwise. I crawled to the bathroom before I could even think and grabbed my razor. I started on my arm first carving the word faggot into it. Next my thighs, saying worthless and disgusting. I filled my stomach with every hurtful word anyone has ever said about me. I sobbed and fell to the ground, dropping the razor beside me. I closed my eyes and prayed that death would find me and finally claim me. I didn't want this life anymore. "Mr. Horayne?" I heard a voice say. Dammit, Liam had set up someone to check on me every few hours. "Mr. Horayne?" The voice came closer. Someone opened the door and screamed. I just looked at them pleadingly and passed out.  
    Please let me die. 

 

"...gonna make it." "...calm down." "...tested him." "...possibility... rape." "...more testing." I heard snatches of conversation around me and realized that I wasn't dead. Damn it all. Doesn't anyone know when someone WANTS to die? I tried to open my eyes but they were to heavy. I tried to open my mouth to speak but my muscles weren't working. I tried screaming for Liam but I couldn't. I could hear his sobs but I couldn't help him, it was complete torture. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life, not being able to comfort Liam. 

 

"I think he's coming around!" I finally, finally cracked one of my eyes open. I took in the white room around me and looked for Liam. My blue eyes found his beautiful browns ones and tears instantly rose in both pairs. "Niall." The way he said my name, so relieved yet so broken, was painful to hear. I loved him so much. He rushed to me and scooped me into his arms, wiping away the tears before they could fall. "Niall, it's okay. You're okay. I got you." He whispered in my ear. I just sobbed into his shoulder. "Niall, buddy, we need to know what happened." Liam whispered looking into my eyes. "H-he..." My mind filled with memories and more tears came to my mind. I was disgusting. "Tell me, Ni. Who did this to you?" Liam's eyes pleaded for me to tell him. "C-can't, Li." I closed my eyes and tried to fight away the image of Zayn hovering over me. "That's alright, Ni. Whenever you want to, you can tell me, you don't have to right now." He comforted. I love him so damn much. "Wa-w-wanna go home." I sobbed into his shirt. "I'll take you home, bug. Let's go home." He scooped me up into his arms and carried me out the door. I passed out when I got into the car, letting my head rest against the window.

I woke up a few hours later and finally gained full conscience.  "Hey, bug." Liam walked into the room and sat beside me on the bed. "Hi." I whispered. He smiled at me and stroked my cheek. "Li..." I trailed off and looked into his eyes. "ItwasZayn." I said all in one breath. "We know, Ni. The DNA tests came back. The filthy bastard is in jail for a long while." His eyes got dark with anger. "Liam, it's alright." I stroked his arm. Tears formed in my eyes. "I deserved it." I whispered. "Niall..." Liam's voice cracked with emotion. "Ni, baby, don't ever say that. No one deserves that. Least of all you." He said passionately. "B-but I deserved it. I-I-I'm a fucking disgusting faggot. N-n-nobody could lo-love fucking disgusting m-me." I was a reck at that point, sobbing openly into my palms. "Niall, I don't ever want to hear you call yourself a faggot ever again. I don't care if you're so gay that you shit rainbows. I NEVER want to hear you say that about yourself again." He crushed me up against him and cried into my shoulder. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I should've taken you with me." He sobbed. I just clutched onto him- like a baby koala hanging onto it's mum- and sobbed into his chest. "I wish I could take your place. I wish that it was me and not you." He sobbed. I can't believe he said that. He would take my place? He cared about me that much? "Liam." I said trying to get his attention. "Yeah?" He wiped his eyes ruffly. "Liam, thank you. You are the most amazing person in the world. I just love you so fucking much. I don't even deserve you to be my brother." I said. "Ni, how can you still say that? It's all my fault that you got...hurt." He said. "Liam, that's not true. If it hadn't been for you I would be dead. If you hadn't been so damn over protective and shit then I would have bleed out." I whispered. "Thank you, Nialler." He hugged me tightly. I smiled for the first time in awhile and looked into his eyes. They were beautiful, chestnut brown eyes. Stunning. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I blushed and looked away from him, burying my face in his toned chest. "I love you, LiLi." I whispered. "I love you too, bug." He kissed the top of my head. 

He was hovering over me, smirking at my tears. "Disgusting faggot." He traced my nipple and bit it really hard making me wince. "You want my length, Niall?" He purred, grinding against me. "Z-Zayn stop." I cried. "Why? Don't you like it?" He ground his hips harder onto mine. "I'm going to fuck you so hard it will ruin you for the rest of your life." He jammed himself into me without prep. "You'll be so disgusting, no one will want you." He grunted. "NO, NO LIAM HELP ME!" I screamed. 

"Niall, love, wake up, wake up!" I opened my eyes to find Liam laying beside me, worry in his eyes. I sobbed harder and beat the pillow. Why did this happen to me? "It's not fair!" I screamed. Liam pulled me into his arms and tried to comfort me. But I was to worked up. I just sobbed. Liam rubbed circles in my shoulder with his thumb and pressed his lips to my forehead repeatedly, whispering sweet nothings. Slowly I began to drift off to sleep again. 

The next week was excruciating to say the very least. Liam took off work so he could keep an eye on me and make sure I wasn't going to kill myself. I loved him so much. "Liam?" I walked out of the bedroom into the living room where Liam was seated. "Yeah, Ni?" He smiled tentatively at me and patted the spot next to him. "Do you think that, um, that I could be home schooled?" I asked slowly. I had thought about it last night, it seemed like the best thing right now. Everyone at school was being horrible about the Zayn thing, saying that I had asked for it then got him in trouble. Everyone hated me because I was a faggot. "I'll have to work it out, but I was thinking about it too actually." He confessed, snapping me out of my thoughts. I relaxed, relieved that he agreed with me. "I love you, bug." Liam said, drawing me closer. "Love you too, Li." I smiled up at him and kissed his cheek. I think it caught him a little off guard because usually he's the one kissing me on my forehead and cheeks, but he smiled so I think it was okay. I snuggled into him and breathed in his smell. He smelled like warmth and cookies- like pure happiness. "Hey, Ni, what do you want for dinner?" Liam asked. "Um, I dunno. Pizza sounds good." I said. "Alright, pizza it is." He ruffled his nose into my hair and sighed. "You wanna watch something?" He asked. "Um, yeah. Can we watch Grease?" I said a bit excitedly. He nodded and got up to put the movie in. I went to pop some popcorn and came back to find Liam curled up on the couch. "You're taking the whole thing, Li." I pouted. "No I'm not. Come here there's plenty of room for you." He scooted farther back into the couch and patted the spot in front of him. I smiled and curled up with him, setting the popcorn on the floor in front of us. "Ready?" He looked down at me. I nodded, letting him know he could play the movie. 

 

             Liam  
Niall fell asleep about halfway through the movie so I carried him to our bed. I felt horrible for him, with all that he's having to go through. I'd take his place in a second if I could. Dammit if only I'd been there. I should have come home a day early instead of staying to hang out a little with Louis and Harry. It's all my fault. I should have been there to protect him. I kissed his forehead and smoothed his hair back. He was being so strong. "I'm proud of you, bug." I whispered in his ear. Maybe I'd take him out for ice cream sometime. I know that's not really enough to make up for it, but it'll do until I can come up with enough money to do my other plan. And that plans a secret. For now at least. I looked over to Niall as he giggled in his sleep. He was just so fricking adorable. I brushed some of his hair back from his forehead and smiled at him. God, I was so in love with this boy. I just wanted to kiss him so bad. "No s-stop." I heard Niall whimper. He was having another nightmare. "Niall, Niall wake up, bubby." I shook his shoulder a bit ruffly. "HELP ME! P-PLEASE!" He started sobbing and woke up. "Come 'ere, Nialler." I pulled him into my arms. "Let it out, bug. Let it out." I ran my hand up and down his back in comfort. "He's gonna get me, Li." He sobbed into my shoulder. "Shh, he won't get you. I'm here now, I'm here." I started rocking him back and forth. It was heart breaking seeing Niall so broken. I wish I could kill Zayn for what he did. I was jerked out of my thoughts when I heard my phone ringing. "Hello?" I answered it. "Hey, Leeeyum!" I heard two voices scream. Louis and Harry. "Hey, lads." I chuckled. "Li, we have a question!" Louis yelled. "And it would be?" I asked. "Can we come over today?" Harry pleaded. I sighed. "Guys, Niall is still emotional right now." I warned them. "It's okay, Li. We can help you with him. Come on, please." I could almost SEE Louis pouting. "Alright." I sighed. "Thank you sooooo much, Li, see ya in an hour!" They screamed. I chuckled then hung up the phone. "Who- who w-was it?" Niall asked. "It was my friends, Harry and Louis." I told him. "They're coming over. Is that okay, bug?" I asked. "Erm, yeah. I guess that's fine." He mumbled. "They'll be here in an hour." I whispered. "We should clean up." He wrinkled his nose at our messy room. "Later, I wanna cuddle you right now." I said, pulling him back into my embrace. "Nope, no more cuddles until the house is clean." He jumped out of the bed in a fit of giggles. I was speechless. He just told me I couldn't cuddle him? He always wants me to cuddle him! "Oi, you cheeky bastard, get over here." I whined. "Nope." He popped the P. "Meanie." I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and stuck his middle finger up at me, laughing. I glared at him, tempted to run after him when he skidded out of the room. "Niaaaaaall!" I called. "I'm hungry. Make me pancakes." I huffed. "Make them yourself, Li!" Niall called. I started laughing because he was acting like me. I smiled when the scent of pancakes hit my nose. I got up, picking up some stuff on the floor on the way out of the room. "Niiiiiii, you didn't have to." I said walking into the room. "Yeah, well it sounded good." He said. I heard a nock on the door and went to answer it. "LEEEEYUM!" Harry and Louis attached themselves to me. "So much for an hour, guys." I grumbled. "We just couldn't wait!" Harry squealed. "I smell bacon and pancakes." Louis said, sniffing the air. "Yeah, Ni's making breakfast." I said, leading them into the kitchen. They just smiled, ignoring the fact that it was well past one in the afternoon. "You must be Niall!!!!!" Louis cheered, running to him and hugging him. "Oh um, hi." He flushed and went stiff. He still wasn't used to anyone other than me. "Louis get off of him." I said, dragging Louis' arms off. "Hi, I'm Harry." Harry extended his hand and let Niall shake it. "Niall." He whispered. He looked so uncomfortable. Probably I shouldn't have said yes to Louis and Harry. "Why don't you guys sit at the table." I said. "Sure, thanks, Li." They sat down at the table to wait for the pancakes and bacon. "Shouldn't you be in school, Niall?" Harry asked. "Niall's gonna be home schooled." I put my arm around his shoulder and smiled down at him. "Cool!" Louis yelled. "Fucking shut up, Lou." Harry giggled. "You guys, seriously with the language." I warned. "Sorry, Liam." Harry said looking like a whipped dog. "It's alright, but please try to remember." I said. "Will do." We all kinda sat there in silence for awhile until Ni was done making breakfast. "It's ready." Niall said shyly. He handed us some plates and smiled when Harry winked at him. I think those two will get along good. And maybe that did make me a little jealous. But I'll never admit to it. "Ni, this is amazing." I praised. He blushed and said thank you. He was so freaking adorable. After breakfast we crashed on the couch and watched tv. It was a Friday, so I didn't have to work. But I did need to go Christmas shopping. I had to get my snowflake presents. "Who wants to go shopping?" I asked. "Meee!!! " Louis screamed. I should have know he would want to. I giggled and nodded. "Who else?" I saw Harry raise his hand and Niall nodded after seeing Harry say yes. "Then it's settled. We're going shopping." I smiled at them all and went to go change my clothes, Niall trailing along behind me. "Do you like them?" I asked him once we were alone in our room "Yeah, they seem pretty cool. Louis' really loud. But Harry is cool." He grinned. "Yeah, I've known them for awhile. They're pretty good mates, really." I smiled at him and ruffled his hair. He pulled on some skinny jeans and a sweater and I pulled on some jeans and a long sleeve. Niall looked so fucking adorable it wasn't even funny. "Love you, Nialler." I said out of the blue. "Love you too, LiLi." He giggled.

 

              Niall     
We went to the mall to get started on the shopping. Christmas was a half a week away and we didn't have any presents under the tree. "Let's go into American Eagle!" Harry yelled. We rolled our eyes and laughed, following Harry into the store. He went over to the girls section and picked up a pink lacy thong and held it up. "Hey Lou, think I'd look sexy in this?" He giggled. "Definitely, you should get it for later." he wiggled his eyebrows. "You guys are NOT having sex in my house." I yelled rather loudly. People in the store looked at us with wide eyes but we ignored them. Louis and Harry were cracking up, but I just was uncomfortable. "Come on, bug. We'll meet up with them later." Liam grabbed my arm and drug me away, yelling over his shoulder for them to meet us at the water fountain in two hours. "What do you want for Christmas, Ni?" He asked. "I-I dunno. You don't have to get me anything. I just want this to be a happy, safe Christmas. Just the two of us." He grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. "You being the best big brother in the world is all I could ever ask for." I grinned up at him. I hope that didn't sound to flirty. I couldn't let on that I was completely and totally in love with him. "I do try. But I'm being serious what do you want?" He asked again. "I dunno... There was this stuffed unicorn- but everyone says it's to girly. But I dunno- it's whatever." I trailed off. "Come on, Ni. It's alright. Come show me what one. Which store?" I pointed to the toy store and he lead me into it. I lead him to the unicorn I had been talking about. It was purple and huuuuuuge and fluffy. "Niall this is almost as big as you are!" He exclaimed. "I know!" I giggled. "Okay, you Definitely need this. But it's the only thing I'm buying you ahead of time. Everything else is top secret until further notice." He winked at me. I groaned in frustration. "But why, Li?" I pouted. "Part of Christmas is surprises." He laughed. "I don't like surprises." I stuck my bottom lip out for added affect. "But you're going to love the one I have planned." He looked at me with a sparkle in his eyes. "But, Li!" He should seriously tell me right now!! "I'll tell you Christmas morning." He promised with a wink. Fuck him. After we were done shopping we met up with Louis and Harry. "I'm hungry." I complained. I knew Liam would get me food if I asked. Liam smiled to himself and pulled into Nando's. He always smiles when I complain about being hungry, I think because I never used to eat, probably it just makes him happy. He stopped the car and we headed into the restaurant. We sat down at a table and ordered our food. Liam snuck his arm around my waist and smiled down at me. "Um hi, Niall right?" I heard a voice say. I looked up and saw a boy, about fifteen probably. "I'm sorry, I'm Calum." He stuck out his hand for me to shake it. Liam tightened his grip on me. "Hi, and yeah, I'm Niall." I said. "Sorry if I freaked you out. My friend Michael over there recognized you from school so I thought I'd come say hi." He smiled friendlily at me. "Oh, I remember you guys. He has pink hair, yeah? I always thought you guys were cute together." I said. He flushed darkly. "Erm, actually we're not dating." He said. "Oh, sorry, mate." I dipped my head. "It's alright." He said, then blushed again. "You guys wanna come sit with us?" Liam asked. I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't want them to sit with us. I don't want any new friends. Look how Zayn turned out. "Well, I've got three friends with me." He said. "But maybe another time." He smiled at me and walked back to his table. "He was nice." Liam said. "So was Zayn." I whispered. I wouldn't be making new friends anytime soon. "I'm sorry, Ni." Liam whispered, kissing my cheek and hugging me tighter. "It's fine." I sighed. Our food came and we sat quietly while we ate. I think Liam wants me out of the house. He was trying to push me into a friendship. If he doesn't want me around then that's fine. I mean, he needs to just tell me. I don't want to be a bother. Probably he just doesn't want me to go cutting myself again so he won't tell me that I'm annoying. What if he really doesn't want me around? What if he doesn't really love me like he says he does? I sucked in a sharp breath and tried to keep my tears in. "Niall?" I looked up into Liam's eyes. "Yeah?" I asked. "Are you alright?" he said. I nodded my head and kept eating my food. Liam went back to talking and laughing with Louis and Harry, which I took as an opportunity to slip out of my seat and walk out the door. If Liam didn't want me then I'd leave. I don't want him to have to deal with someone he doesn't even like. I don't want him pretending. "Hey, Niall!" I looked up and saw Calum waving at me. "Oh, hey." I walked over to him. "Where you heading!?" he asked. "Dunno." I said. "You wanna come hang with us?" He jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward Michael and two other boys. I shrugged my shoulders. "Why not." I walked over to his friends with him and noticed a really cute one, he looked around thirteen, like me, And he was really cute. "Boys, this is Niall." Calum said. "This is Ashton." He pointed to the tall one. "And this is Luke." He pointed to the cute one. "Hey, Niall!" Ashton chirped happily. "Hi." I whispered shyly. "Aww, he's so cute, can we keep him?" Luke yelled. I blushed, I'm not cute. "Shut up, Luke." Michael giggled, entering the conversation. "We were just about to go to Ash's house, wanna come?" Calum asked. "Sure." I nodded and followed them. 

 

             Liam  
"Where's Niall?" Harry asked suddenly, looking around the restaurant. "What do you mean, where's Niall, he's right he- shit." WHERE THE HELL IS HE?! I frantically pulled my phone out while Harry went to check the toilets. "He's not in there." Harry said grimly. "WHAT IF ZAYN HAS HIM, THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE, HOLY FUCKING HELL." Good thing we were outside because I was screaming. "Zayn's in jail, you said so yourself. And plus, he probably just got bored of the dirty talking and went back to the hotel." Louis tried to comfort me. I wasn't having any of it. Niall was missing and I was going to find him. I dialed his number and pressed the phone to my ear. Voicemail. I called him two more times and texted him probably ten times. We got into my car and Louis drove while Harry and I searched for Niall on the streets. "HE'S FUCKING THIRTEEN, HE'S STILL A KID! WHAT IF SOMEBODY HAS HIM? WHAT IF HE GOT KIDNAPPED?" I was crying now. I just sat back in my seat and sobbed. I called 999 and told them what was happening as best as I could. They dispatched several teams to look for him. I can't believe he's gone, were did he go? I swiped at the tears running down my face and thought hard, where could he be? 

 

             Niall  
I decided to stay the night at Ashton's with the rest of the boys. I think Luke really wants to be my friend, but I dunno. I also thought that Zayn wanted to be friends. I shuddered at the thought. Luke came and sat beside me on the couch, slinging his arm over my shoulder. I smiled up at him. "Hi." I whispered shyly. "Hey, mate." He smiled at me. I loved how all four of them are Australian. It's gorgeous. I wonder what Liam, Harry, and Louis are doing right now... I fucking miss Liam so much. I didn't realize how attached I am to him. I just want to be around him all the time. I need him. I sighed and focused on Luke. He was saying something about his singing, which was apparently amazing. "I'm trying out for the X-factor in February. I've got an audition on the twenty-third." He said, waaay proud of himself. "That's so great, Luke!" I cheered. "I know! I am sooo excited!" He was bouncing up and down in his seat. I giggled at him. "Hey, you guys hungry?" Calum asked. "I'm not." I said. Which may or may not have been a lie. "Alright, are you, Luke?" He asked. "Yeah, starving." He said, laughing. It was like one in the morning, and they were ordering pizza. I have to say, I've never done that before. And I'm not starting now. I don't want to eat anymore. I was getting fat again. And I hated it. I'm disgusting. I was on the verge of tears and I just wanted Liam. "You guys- I um, I think I'm gonna go home." I whispered. "I don't really feel good, I think I'm getting sick." I lied.  "You sure, mate?" Luke asked. "Yeah, I'm sure." I got up to get my jacket. "Bye you guys, call me." I said as I headed out the door. I called a taxi and rode it to our hotel. After the guy dropped me off I trudged inside. Hopefully Liam isn't mad at me. I headed up in the elevator and slowly walked toward our door. I slowly breathed in and pushed the door open. "NIALL?! OH MY GOD, NIALL!" Louis screamed and threw his arms around me. I stiffened under his touch. "I have to call Liam." He said shakily. He flipped his phone out and pressed it to his ear. "Liam? I found him, he's here." He said quickly and hung up. "Are you hurt, are you hungry?" He asked. I shook my head, and that's when the tears came. I was so relieved to be home. I just wanted Liam now. "I-I want Liam." I sobbed. "I know, Ni." He put his arms around me again and took me to the couch. "He'll be here soon. I promise." and he did keep his promise. Liam walked through the door two minutes later, tears streaming down his face. "Niall." He choked out before I ran into his arms, sobbing. "I-I missed you s-so much, Li." I said, choking on my tears. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" he yelled, gripping my face in his hands. "I'm fine." I insisted. "Are you sure? What happened? Where were you?" He looked so broken. "I'm sure. And nothing happened, I just went to go hang out with Michael, Calum, Ashton, and Luke." I mumbled "Who are they?" He asked. "The guys from Nando's." I said. "But I thought you didn't know them, you went over to strangers house?!" His face paled. "I'm not a baby anymore, Liam! I can go places by myself." I shouted. "Without telling me first?" He yelled. I was angry now, couldn't he just leave me alone?! "I wish you never would have taken me away from mum! At least she didn't question me 24/7! I would rather be with her than you!" I screamed. The second I said it I knew it was a mistake. Liam's face paled considerably and he took a step back. "Oh." He sounder hurt. Fucking hell, I shouldn't have said that. "Liam, I didn't-" He held up a hand, tears starting to come out of his eyes again. "Do you want to stay with someone else? You could stay with Dotty. I'll call her in the morning." He whispered, then went into our room and locked himself in there. I looked around the room and realized that Harry and Louis had let themselves out. I crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Why did I have to get so angry? I curled up on the couch and shifted to get comfortable. I heard the door open and I pretended to be asleep. I felt Liam's warm arms around me, he carried me to the bedroom and laid me down on the bed. "I'm sorry that I failed as your big brother, Ni. I should have tried harder." he kissed my cheek and sighed. "G'night, baby boy. I love you." he started crying again and went out of the room after grabbing a blanket and a pillow. I wanted him to come back and cuddle me. I needed his warm arms around me. I needed his strength. And now he was sending me away to Dotty's. And yes, I love her. But she's not Liam. I need him to breathe. I pressed my hand against my mouth and tried not to let my sobs out. Liam couldn't hear me. He'd think I was weaker than I already am. I curled into a ball and held my legs to my chest, trying to block out the noise of Liam's sobs. 

 

             Liam  
He didn't want me. He really didn't. All this time I thought that- that he was actually happy and actually gonna be okay. But I was just fooling myself. He didn't really care about me. I sighed and moved around trying to get in the right position. I checked the time on my phone, it was 6:47. I had gotten exactly zero sleep last night. I sighed and got up, deciding to take a shower. I trudged into the bathroom and stripped my clothes off, stepping into the shower. I got the water just right and stepped under it, my muscles relaxing under the hot water. I sighed and sang Skinny Love by Ed Sheeran quietly to myself. I started crying halfway through and slammed my hand against the shower wall. Damn it, I needed Niall so much. I quickly got out and got dressed, deciding then and there I was going to work hard for Niall's love. I started by letting him sleep in till noon and then making him breakfast in bed. I snuck in and quietly tiptoed through the room. "Niall?" My voice carried loudly through the room. He sat up groggily, eyes quickly going wide when he saw me. "Liam, I'm so sorry!!! Please forgive me! I didn't want to say it, I was just so angry and I couldn't stop myself. None of it was true. I would rather die than live with mum again. You've kept me alive for a long time. Thank you so much for that." He launched himself at me and I quickly set set aside the tray with his breakfast on it, greedily accepting him into my arms. "You don't have to say that unless you really mean it, Ni." I whispered onto the top of his head. "I do mean it, Li. I mean it so much. I love you, I really do." He buried his head in my chest and sobbed. "I love you too, bug. You're everything to me." I kissed all over his face, getting all the tears off. "I don't want to see you cry. Seeing you cry is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world." I whispered to him. A big smile broke out on his face. "There's that gorgeous smile. I know I've done something right if that smile is there." I said, smiling at him. He giggled and I'll be damned if I didn't fall even more in love with him than before. "I think we scared Haz and Lou away." I said, laughing. "Yeah... Sorry I ruined it." His face fell. "No! It's not your fault. I'm sorta glad they left anyway. Now I can lay in bed all day and cuddle with you." I whispered in his ear, letting my breath tickle him. "If you're sure." He said slowly. "I am. Nothing better than cuddling with you." I blew a raspberry into his cheek. He giggled softly. "Li, that tickles." He said. "That was the point." I kissed his cheek, letting my lips linger on his soft, pale skin. My eyes flickered to his lips for a split second and I wanted to kiss him more than I've ever wanted to before. But I held myself in check and instead I pulled him to the bed to lay down with me.  

         The next day  
"Liam?" I heard Niall say. I was sitting at the table working on something for my job. "What's up, Ni." I asked. "I-is mum in jail because of me?" I finally looked up at him and noticed his face was tearstained and swollen. "Oh, Niall." I pulled him into my arms. "Mum needed to be put away. She was a monster." I said, trying to calm him down. "But she was a monster because of me! I'm the one she kept hurting. I'm the one she abused." He sobbed. "Shh it's not your fault, baby. Mum made her own choices and now she has to live with them." I smoothed his hair back from his face and kissed his forehead. "I shouldn't have been born though..." He mumbled. "Don't say that. If you hadn't been born then I would never have known you. I wouldn't have made it this far. You're the light in my world of darkness. Now, tomorrow is Christmas and you need to brighten up." I tickled his stomach, making him giggle. "Alright, if you say so." He sighed. "Am I really your only light?" He asked after a moment of thought. "Yeah." I blushed and kissed his cheek. "My baby boy, the only reason I'm alive." I whispered into his ear. He giggled softly. I just couldn't get enough of his giggle. I just couldn't get enough of him. "Do you wanna open a present tonight?" I asked him. He brightened up immediately. "Can I?!" He exclaimed. "Yeah, I have it picked out. Get the envelope sticking out of the tree and come sit down." I smiled mischievously. He looked slightly confused but did as told. He came and sat down by me again, envelope in hand. "Open it." I whispered. I hope he likes it, I thought to myself. He slid his finger under the seal and it flopped open. I smiled at him to take out what was inside. "Go on." I whispered. He slid out everything that was inside and jut stared at it. No emotion on his face. "D-do you not like it?" I whispered, tears coming to my eyes. I thought I'd finally done something that he'd love me for. "L-Liam- Liam how did you- you're taking me to America to see Justin Bieber?!" He finally moved, flinging his arms around me and burying his head in my shoulder. I giggled happily, I'd done right. "So you like it then?" I asked. "I love it, Liam! Thank you so much! I love you!" He squealed into my shoulder. 

 

             Niall  
I can't believe he got me Justin Bieber tickets! He's hands down the most amazing brother ever. I love him so much! I can't wait to go to America with him in may. We've been once but mum was with us, this time will be better. It'll be just us two, alone in L.A. I fucking wished he loved me like I love him because we could make a hell of a trip out of it. But he doesn't... I sighed and snuggled closer into Liam. It had to be at least three, but I couldn't sleep. I mean, Christmas is tomorrow! I was so excited, words cannot express. 

      Christmas morning   
"LEEEEEYUM!!!" I screamed, jumping on top of him. "Uugh, Ni, get off." He rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. "Oww." I squealed, holding my elbow and starting to cry. "Are you okay, bug?" Liam jumped out of bed and sat beside me, in full out panic mode. I started cracking up, I totally got him. "Niall, that is NOT funny." He yelled, but I could see that he wanted to smile. "It's Christmas, Li!" I squealed. "What? I didn't get you any presents though! Guess you're out of luck." He grinned mischievously. "Don't joke like that, Liam James Horayne!" I giggled. "Woah, pulling out the full names are we, Niall James Horayne?" His eyes were sparkling with mischievous. I started crying because I was laughing so hard, man I loved Liam. 

We laughed and got up to go into the living room. We sat down on the couch, our few presents for each other surrounding us. "You open the first one!" I said, handing Liam a poorly rapped present. "Alright." He grabbed it from me and laid it on his lap. "Open it." I said, getting impatient. He ripped through the rapping paper and opened the box and pulled out a pair of red AllStar Converse. "I saw you looking at them at the mall and you looked like you really wanted them, but you didn't get them so I got them for you. I hope you like them." I rushed out. If he doesn't like them I will throw myself off of a cliff. "Thank you so much, Nialler." He enveloped me in a humungous bear hug. I'd done something right. Score. "This ones for you. I didn't get much because well, the tickets and everything were a lot. But I hope that's okay.." He handed me a small package and I opened it. There were to necklaces inside. One said brothers and the other said forever. "You can pick which one you want more. I just saw those and thought of you because no matter what you'll always be in my life and that's comforting to know." He drew me in for a long hug and placed kisses all over my face. I wasn't responding, I was still trying to work through the significant of this gift. It was overwhelming. "It's perfect, Li." I hugged him. "There's one more for you." He said. He handed me a medium sized package. I tore through the paper and found a scrapbook. "Open it." He urged. I flipped to the first page and there was a picture of Liam, daddy, and I. I choked back tears and flipped toward the next page. Liam and I looked through the whole book together. It was all pictures from me when I was little to now. It was really amazing that he did this for me. I loved it. "Thank you, Li." I kissed his cheek softly. We exchanged a few more presents and decided to order room service. We ordered a ton of shit and laid on the couch together until it came. "I'm so excited to go to America again. And this time just us." He whispered, drawing me closer. A shiver ran up my spine. He made it sound so intimate. "I love you so much, Li." I whispered, again placing a kiss on his cheek. "I love you too." He smiled at me. I giggled and scooted even closer to him, I could never be close enough. Not ever. 

A knock on the door signaled that our food was here. I raced to the door and checked the peep hole before I opened it. "Hi, Andy!" I squealed. "Hey, Niall, merry Christmas." He ruffled my hair and pushed the cart into our room. "Here's your food." He smiled at me. Liam took the trays and set them on a table. "I've got to go now, other food to deliver, but I'll come see you later, Ni." He said cheerily. "Okay! Thanks!" I shut the door behind him as he left. "You're on nickname terms with the room service waiter?" Liam cocked his eyebrow at me in good humor. "Shut up, Li. I'm fat, deal with it." I joked. "Hah, far from it. Now let's eat." We piled our food up on our plates and carried them to the living room. We always watched hallmark Christmas movies all day on Christmas day. I bit into my french toast and Liam giggled when I got syrup all over my mouth. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his cheek, making it sticky. "I'm liking these kisses, I've gotten three so far. Keep em coming." He joked. "Hmm, maybe you won't get anymore." I winked at him playfully. "I'd just die!" He sighed dramatically. "I'm sure you would, Li. I'm sure you would." I patted his hand and kissed his cheek again, earning a cheeky grin from him. 

I kicked back on the couch while Liam went to go get his ringing phone. He came back with it pressed to his ear and settled back on the couch. "Hey, Lou." I heard him say. "Watching movies with my Ni-bug." He giggled. "Oh, crap! I'm sorry, Lou. Can I make it up to you?" I tuned their conversation out and pulled my phone out so I could text Luke. 

Hey. Xx -Niall

Hey, mate, what's up? -Luke

Christmas movies with Leeeyum. You? -Niall

Hanging out with Ash, Mikey, and Cal. -Luke

Tell em I said hey, would ya? ;) -Niall

Haha sure. I'll ttyl though because I gotta go. -Luke

Ight bye, mate. -Niall

I put my phone down and concentrated on the movie. After a minute I realized that Liam wasn't on the couch anymore. "Li?" I called. "Just a sec." He yelled. He came out of our room looking all dressed up. "A-are you going somewhere?" I asked. Surely not. Surely he wouldn't do that to me on Christmas. Would he? "Yeah, Lou's birthday was yesterday and I completely forgot. We're going out to celebrate now." He said. He really didn't seem worried about it at all. "R-right now?" I asked. "You'll be fine here for awhile, yeah?" He shifted from foot to foot. "O-oh, um, yeah. I'll just- I'll be fine." I quickly got off the couch, not interested in the movie anymore. Liam was always the one who really loved them. "Niall-" He started. I waved my hand at him. "I was feeling tired anyway. I'll just take a nap or something. Maybe we can finish our movies. OUR CHRISTMAS TRADITION. Some other time." I said the one part a bit louder, hoping he might get it. His face showed that he did. "Ni- bug, c'mon. I'm sorry. But Louis' my best friend." He said quietly. I shrugged my shoulders hoping to come off as not caring. "I'm just a brother, I guess. A burden right?" I said, walking into our room and slamming the door. 

       Seven hours later  
I shouldn't have said that last part, maybe he'd decide I really am a burden and he'd want me out. Maybe he'd send me to live with Dotty. What if he hated me now? I groaned and held my stomach. He hates me now, I just know it. He left a note saying he'd only be an hour or so. It's been seven. He probably doesn't want to see my ugly face, doesn't want to see the disgusting queer he's been a part of raising. I held in a sob and closed my eyes tightly. A razor blade was sounding better and better by the second. 

I hopped out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I food my razor blade underneath something in the cabinet. I held it in the palm of my hand and smiled down at it. My escape. The way out of all this hurt and confusion. I placed the razor blade against my skin and pushed it down, creating a deep gash in my arm. I sighed in painful pleasure at the pain. It was good, but it hurt at the same time. 

I did it a few more times, deeper and deeper, but finally put it up. I held my arm under the sink but nothing was helping. It just kept bleeding and bleeding. I heard the door open and shut and swore under my breath. Of course he would come home now. Forgetting about my blood flowing arm I rushed out of the bathroom and threw myself onto him. "I'm so sorry for saying what I did, Li. I understand if you do think I'm a burden, I'll move in with Dotty and- and I'll go back to public school. Anything you want okay? Just please, please tell me that- that you don't hate me." I sobbed out. "Ni, baby, you're not a burden. I wouldn't want you to move out for anything. Your place is right here with me. I love you so much, bug. So much it's insane. Don't forget that. Please, I love you so much." he rapped his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. I squeaked in pain because my arms were pinned against his chest. He looked down in confusion and a tear fell when he realized what had happened. "Baby, w-why?" He gave me a broken look. "I-I was scared that you didn't love me anymore. That you were disappointed in me, that- that I grew up to became some disgusting f-faggot, just like Zayn said." I sobbed out. "No, Ni. I'll never stop loving you okay? I love you so much, bug. Alright? And don't call yourself a faggot. Don't. You're my amazing little brother, strong and gorgeous and amazing and talented. You're not a faggot, you just happen to like guys. It's okay, bug. It's okay." He took me into the bathroom and cleaned me up. He kissed my wrist gingerly. "I love you a lot." I said. He smiled at me. "I love you so much more than that." He kissed my nose and I nuzzled my face into the top of his head since I was sitting on the toilet and he was kneeling on the floor. With the way he was looking up at me with those piercing brown eyes the only thing I could think was to kiss him. And so I did. I pulled his chin up closer to me and pushed my lips against his. Fireworks went off in my body, that's the only way to describe it. It was amazing. And the best part- he kissed back. But not only kissed back, he pulled me into his lap and deepened the kiss, added more passion to it. I had started it but now he was in charge. I would allow him to do what he wanted with me. 

After a few minutes we were gasping for breath. He released his hold on me and looked into my eyes, his forehead resting against mine. "I love you, Ni. So much more than a brother." Liam whispered. I choked back a sob and smiled at him. "I love you too, Li bear." I kissed him softly and cuddled into him. "Maybe we should get off of the bathroom floor." He giggled. "Probably." I said, standing up and helping him up to. "Mm, I love you, Nialler." Liam placed soft kisses all over my face. I loved it. Liam loved me. He loved me loved me. It was amazing, to good to be true.

          
              Liam  
I carried Niall to bed and cuddled in with him after stripping down to our boxers for comfort. He was so intoxicating. So amazing. So Niall. "I love you." I whispered, because I could. He giggled giddily. "I love you too, so much." He pressed soft kisses onto my neck, making me shiver in want. I wanted to ravage his body endlessly. But that would come later, he was only thirteen, I didn't want to do that with him to soon, although we'll see how long that'll last. "Watcha thinkin' 'bout?" Niall questioned, tracing patterns into my bare chest. "About you mostly. I love you so much and I have ever since you were born. I fell in love with you the second I was allowed to see your precious face. I knew then that I would do everything in my power to protect you from anything. I knew that I would love you in a special way for the rest of my life." I said, staring into his tear filled eyes. "I love you." He whispered, a tear spilling down his cheek. Niall was fucking EVERYTHING to me. And the fact that he actually loved me back gave me the most unexplainable feeling ever. I wiped his tear away with my thumb and smiled down at him. "I love you too, baby." I kissed his soft lips tenderly. 

           The end 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone liked it! Feed back would be lovely!


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